What beautiful smiles…
Reflections on the past few weeks – part I
I have spent the last few weeks putting my mind and surroundings in order, and visiting some old friends that life too easily endistances. (Yes I like making up words)
I’ve enjoyed being the solitary traveller that comes knocking on doors and meets for the first time children I’ve heard so much about, and I’ve enjoyed catching up with some wonderful people in La Roche Sur Yon, Dorset, Brighton and London, and hosting visitors from New Jersey.
The rest of my time I’ve spent in Paris, seeing friends and family but mostly arranging my flat and daydreaming – which has led me to some wonderful reverie and thoughts.
In the process I’ve had a couple of major lightbulb moments related to some relationships which have fell apart in the last few months/years – making me realize that I had totally made up those people in my mind. By that I mean that I seem to have a grand capacity for idealization (if you don’t idealize, you don’t love, right?) and things tend to have a life of their own in my brain – particularly people. So here I am, disappointed by the behaviour of someone (who is completely acting themselves) but showing a behaviour that is conflicting with the “image” I had built of that person. It came as a shock to see that for years I had been in friendships with people I had litterally created, put on a piedestal for no tangible reason and loved not for their actual achievements, generosity or real personality traits – but for imaginary contructions, transpositions, projections that my lowered self-esteem felt the need to create so I could focus on how loveable they were compared to me.
My capacity for love and idealization outside of myself is enormous and goes beyond the frame of rationalism. I sometimes feel like my cup is overflowing with love and joy which leads me to see people better than what they are, shower them with gifts, love and encouragement, instead of basing my sentiment on actual facts and actions. I’ve got to try working on dismantling these thought processes because I seriously have no time for anything but high standards in my relationships – and I must make sure I am redirecting that overflowing love back into me, where it belongs.
Another thing: I’ve come accross one display of incredible genuine kindness which has made me feel very good.
Apart from that – I’m back on the road again now, with a few more insights and a renewed sense of joy.
BOOYA.
Oh and the shop‘s ready!