The solitary
I hate to follow and I hate to lead.
Obey? Oh no! And govern? No indeed!
Only who dreads himself inspires dread.
And only those inspiring dread can lead.
Even to lead myself is not my speed.
I love to lose myself for a good while.
Like animals in forests and the sea,
To sit and think on some solitary isle,
And lure myself back home from far away,
Seducing myself to come back to me.
Nietzsche
Two years ago I was in the hospital unable to walk or even stand up so today I’m going to spend the whole day dancing in my apartment to celebrate.
When was the last time you spent the day celebrating your life, your safety and the mere joy of being?
My friend Jugurtha in NY and I have had an interesting conversation that I want to remember.
“Narcissistic Pervert” ~ personality disorder first defined by psychoanalyst P.-C. Racamier (1924-1996): A form of perversion whereby the subject behaves following a predation pattern vis-à-vis others. In those individuals, the need to be loved is superseded by the need to be obeyed. For the purpose of fulfilling that need, they are bent on demolishing the identity of their “prey”. They are manipulative & resort to mental harassment. They use induction: they have a talent for suggesting to others specific feelings, causing reactions to (often entirely fictitious) situations, without, ever, mentioning explicitly their obsessions. They always manage to avoid expressing to another being what they think. They proceed by innuendos, with, always, once the person is effectively hurt, “plausible deniability”.
Me: Do we know if the NP has a tendency to have addictions? (alcohol, gambling, drugs, overeating….)
Jugurtha: yes — it can be gambling like you say or sex addiction — or torturing the loved one — most likely, both alternatively on-again-off-again (sin, stray/silence/distance, then, remorse, make-up, promises, calm, torture, sin, etc., etc., etc. as long as the torturee collaborates
Me: Damn. Also (please excuse my candour but I have no expertise in that field) is there such thing as the opposite disorder: a personality with an overwhelming sense of empathy that corrupts judgement in the opposite way: embracing others feelings while ignoring ones own… if worse even: not having ones own…?
Jugurtha: big time — sure. A person that — for some specific reason or other (typically a violation of the person’s innermost intimacy) — will not revolt and, instead, (unknowingly) cultivate a situation where they suffer and are abused and defend themselves weakly so as to be abused & mistreated some more; the person’s hope for a prosperous, trusting, equal-to-equal relationship that hope was shattered for some historic reason (the person doesn’t want to venture in wildly risky territory again, but doesn’t know it, knows it only in the form of indirect suspicion). Consequently the person goes for second best: sole language where “love” is found in the form of the cycle of torture above.
The NPs suffer a lot deep down — it is hell for them — atrophied empathy doesn’t mean “never a moment of clarity” — they suffer a lot, it is a form of hell, I really do believe that — it’s hell for those individuals
Me: I really hope they do have these moments of clarity, but i’m not sure they do… It makes me infinitely sad inside. You know, the thought that they never can feel truly loved or at peace, or forgiveful of themselves or others… Or never even say the truth, see the truth.
Jugurtha: The most important thing to remember is that “the fight is fixed”, everything is predetermined, nothing can break the cycle, nothing can break the cycle, it is all like clockwork — those people are wonderful people locked in a cage, and the cage will always be there between the person and other human beings — always always always.
Thanks Jugurtha.
‘It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly . . .’
Theodore Roosevelt’s speech, Citizenship in a Republic
“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in…
We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be—a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation—with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.”
“Baise la main que tu ne peux pas mordre.” “Kiss the hand you cannot bite”
Note to the future man of my life:
If you want to win my heart it’s very simple. Get me tickets for a Louis CK show and fly me there. I couldn’t think of anything more romantic…
Oh and hurry! The current tour ends in February.
“When you really want love you will find it waiting for you.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis
My friend Anna from St Petersburg sent me this picture of me which I’m really fond of.
That girl is so talented! You can check her work here.
Thank you Anna x
Hello there to the 3 people who read this! (Hi mum!)
Sorry for being inconsistant in blog posts these days but I’ve been spending some time tidying up my appartment, catching up with friends and trying to get organized to launch the shop of this blog soon. I’ve started crafting again and would like to experiment offering some of the items I make with my chubby little hands to you guys and see what happens.
Watch this space for updates and more photos after I am done with cleaning my flat from top to bottom (putting bleech on top of kitchen cupboards, anyone?) – and putting my runnings and brain in order.
On a sidenote I have so much joie de vivre these days, it’s kinda nuts.
My world lacks direction, spirituality or ceremony but it has so much vitality. Vitality beyond the expressable!
Soubisou.
I’ve been back from Russia for 10 days now and it’s been very difficult to try and write a little epilogue.
As soon as I was back, life in Paris started again with its whirlwind of things to do, people to see, countless stimuli but mostly its monotonous rythm and memories of a time where I was mostly unhappy and unfree.
My beautiful life in St Petersburg suddenly feels like a distant memory or a dream or a parallel line.
I am missing it. Mainly I am missing being alone. I think I’m entering a massive shift in my life as I crave and seek aloneness incredibly. It’s such a liberating thing to be away from everything and everyone. Obviously I am also missing the city itself, its freezing wind and its timeless decor.
Time has now come for a new chapter but I know that I will be back at some point. Not sure how, where or when, but I don’t give up on the thing I love so easily.
So long.